APRIL 1ST 2022
Question:
"My arrows are going at 170 FPS, but I want them to go at 170.422, which according to my calculations will beat the reaction time of a deer in the off season at a distance of 18.69 yards. Can I get the added speed by just concentrating harder with my left eye, or should I just close my left eye and stand closer while humming so I can get the added speed to my arrows?
Asking for a friend."
- Simon P. Freely
Answer:
Clearly you've thought long and hard on this topic. There are many ways to make your arrows go slightly faster.
First, you should consult your horoscope and whether Mercury is in retrograde. If the conditions are favourable, try to shoot from uphill to the deer so your arrows get a gravity assist and this should counteract any negative effects from the planet Mercury.
Secondly, remember to always wax and polish your arrows. Don't forget the fletching! A well greased arrow will travel through air faster thanks to lubrication.
Thirdly, if you could grow taller or get longer arms, you could add more power to your shot (and thus more speed). If you cannot do this, just invest in some high heeled boots that make you at least look taller to the deer.
Fourthly, get yourself a really expensive tree stand and place it at the very top of the highest tree you can find. The taller it is the more gravity will make your arrow go faster on the downward trajectory. Remember to only shoot at a sharp angle downwards. You will need to practice shooting at your feet ahead of time so you understand how to shoot almost straight down.
Fifthly, headwear is very important. Make yourself a hat out of aluminum foil or tin foil (aluminum is better however) and keep your archery equipment in a lead box when you're not shooting it. This will protect your equipment (and brain) from harmful radiations which could slow down your focus and the speed of your equipment.
Sixthly, bubblegum. You need to be shooting while you chew so that you get better at concentrating. Every time you chew bubblegum you need to practice shooting at things, and force yourself to concentrate on speed while you are chewing.
Seventhly, if you are still having problems buy a crossbow, abduct a mad German scientist like Jeorg Sprave, stick him in a well and force him to make the crossbow faster. Keep quoting lines from "Silence of the Lambs" until they make you a faster crossbow.
Eighghghghgthly, use an arrow that isn't so stiff. Your arrows should have the flexibility of overcooked spaghetti if you want them to go really fast. Or better yet, use actual spaghetti.
Ninethly, taper your fletching from back to front so that the fletching at the back is significantly shortly than the front fletching. I know this looks weird, but as the arrow goes over your arrowrest it will have increasingly less drag and therefore more speed.
Tenthly, run towards the deer while shooting, thus adding your running speed to the speed of your arrow. If you can run at 10 fps while shooting at 170 fps, your arrows should go 180 fps. Faster if you jump while shooting.
Eleventhly, draw the string back to your ear and hook it directly on your ear. This will provide more speed + power, but you will also train your ears to get stronger, which has the added effect of making you more attractive to women. As an extra bonus, this frees up your drawing hand to drink beer, learn crochet, etc.
Twelfthly, buy flash bangs. Stun the deer and then don't worry about speed. Or better yet, put the flash bangs on your arrows, and pull the pin right before shooting. This way you stun and kill the deer at the same time!
Thirteenthly, lean exactly 5 inches closer to the deer before shooting, thus making it feel like you are shooting downhill and making your arrow slightly closer even before you shoot, so it will reach the target faster while getting a gravity assist from shooting on a downward angle.
Fourteeeeenthly, remember to coat your fletching with beeswax and lick it before shooting to cut down on how much the wind effects your arrows.
Fifteently, shave a few extra grains off your arrows so they are slightly thinner. Or better yet, put them on a diet of string beans, celery sticks, and ice water before going hunting. If you starve them a little they will be lighter and therefore faster.
Sixteeenthly, hold in your farts and when you are ready to shoot release a really big one to give your arrows an added bit of wind so they go faster. The more wind you make, the faster the arrow goes.
Seventeeenthly, place your tree stand in alignment with the rotation of the earth so you get extra speed thanks to earth's rotational axis. Always shoot away from the sun so the sun's gravity doesn't accidentally effect the speed of your arrows.
Eightghteeenththly, learn how to channel your chi into your arrow to make it go faster. A good strong chi can overcome even a moderately windy day. Plus, as you get better at focusing your chi you can learn how to reach into the fourth dimension of time and slow down time so your arrow is infinitely faster than the deer. However, if you do learn this you will need to beware of interdimensional demons.
Nineteenthly, train European swallows to carry coconuts and when they're really strong, cut off their tail feathers and use that to make your fletching. Trim the fletching into the shape of a Lamborghini so it goes faster, and let it fly.
Twentiethly, just learn magic. Magic will solve all your problems. Stay away from dark magic however, that stuff will rot your soul and make your genitalia shrink.
Happy Shooting! April Fools!
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