Never Go Canoeing with a 5-Year-Old

Yesterday "for fun" I went canoeing with my mother and my 5-year-old son Richard.

I don't have any photographs of the lesson in physics because I was too busy keeping the boat upright and trying to prevent it from tipping over.

Canoes, if you're not aware, are a tad tipsy. A tad tipsy in this case means "very tipsy".

And 5-year-olds who don't like to sit still also don't like to listen.

This "comedy horror" experience is not for everyone. If you have any kind of heart condition, please (for the love of God!!!) DO NOT GO CANOEING WITH A 5-YEAR-OLD.

A ten year old? Sure. That sounds fine to me. A ten year old will have a better grasp of physics and that boats can tip over. A ten year old will also be better at listening and actually useful at using a paddle.

This is not to say a 5-year-old won't have fun in a canoe. My son Richard definitely had fun.

Meanwhile poor dad is having a heart attack whilst trying to keep the canoe upright and prevent said 5-year-old from tipping it over. Grandma also enjoyed from her position at the front of the canoe, but couldn't see their grandchild who keeps moving around every 10 seconds or so.

Then there's the matter of the wind.

Now you might not realize that canoes can be affected by the wind so much, but if the wind is strong enough it creates two factors:

1. If the wind hits the canoe broadside it rocks the canoe a bit, making it more tipsy.

2. The wind will make waves on an otherwise calm lake, leading to the waves rocking the canoe more strongly whenever the waves are coming parallel to the side of the canoe.

These two factors combined with an energetic 5-year-old who doesn't listen (and doesn't understand physics) leads to a catastrophic amount of tipsiness.

Is tipsiness a word?

It is now!

A Few Canoeing Tips

Always wear a life jacket in a canoe.

Never stand up in a canoe. (Again physics.)

Keep as much of your weight distribution towards the middle of the canoe as possible. A low center of gravity is best.

Whoever is in the rear of the canoe is the one in charge of steering. Everyone else gets to just paddle, unless otherwise instructed by the person steering the boat.

If possible wait until all occupants of the canoe are at least 10 years old before embarking on this (comedy horror) adventure.